In 2015, Raya had sworn off relationships. “I was in a kind of self-imposed celibacy,” she says. “I’m a cisgender lesbian, but I’d made too many mistakes in love because I hadn’t come to terms with my sexuality.”
Towards the end of summer, she was invited to watch a women’s roller derby match in Melbourne, Australia, where she lives. “I’d never had any interest in it before, but I’d been told it was a very LGBTQ-inclusive sport, so I thought I’d check it out.” As she walked in, she spotted a woman on the door. “I noticed she was transgender,” says Raya. “And I remember thinking she seemed sweet and shy.”
Later that night, she went to speak to her, and discovered her name was Kate. “We talked about the match and Raya asked some questions as a lot of people don’t understand it,” says Kate. “The conversation flowed and we also talked about our children. I have two and Raya has one.” Although she thought Raya seemed “really interesting”, she assumed she was dating the colleague she’d come with.
Raya was immediately smitten with Kate but her feelings confused her. “I was attracted to women and women’s bodies. I had never really known any trans women before and I wondered if I was still a lesbian if I was romantically attracted to someone who had been assigned male at birth. I worried I could hurt her.” She decided to follow her heart and keep an open mind. The following week, she went to another roller derby event to get to know Kate a little better. “I had no idea she liked me,” laughs Kate. “But I did wonder why she seemed so nervous.” After they chatted, Raya sent Kate a Facebook friend request, followed by a message asking her out. “I’m shy, so I was nervous too, but I think we both felt we’d regret it if we didn’t give it a chance,” says Kate.
They arranged to go for dinner and to see a film together. “She has these bright sparkly eyes and I fell head over heels almost straight away,” says Raya. “I soon learned that Kate is a woman, through and through. She has a woman’s body and a woman’s mind. She’s just Kate: she is, and always has been, a woman.”
Kate also really liked Raya, but it took her longer to open up. “I’d come out of a 20-year relationship and, although we had amazing conversations, I didn’t want to rush.” They began having regular dates, including Sunday morning breakfasts where they discussed philosophy. “I really liked her intelligence and the way she sees the world differently from me,” says Kate.
The relationship blossomed and, after a couple of months, Kate was just as serious about their future as Raya. “One day, she put a key to her house in my letterbox,” Kate remembers. “I was already in love but it made me realise it was definitely the real thing.”
They waited until 2018 to move in together in Blackburn, Melbourne. “Our children are all supportive of our relationship,” says Raya. “We bought a really big house so there’s room for everyone.” Kate works as an engineer, while Raya builds educational courses as a learning designer. In 2019, they got engaged, but their wedding plans have been postponed owing to the pandemic.
Seven years since they met, they are both still mad about each other. “I love her generosity and spirit,” says Kate. “She has awesome taste in music and her mind opens up worlds I didn’t know existed. Her family has welcomed me with open arms and I am loved for who I am.” Raya feels the same way. “She looks at me like she’s won the lottery. We complement each other so well and we’re also close to each other’s families. They have always been so accepting and they are an important part of our relationship.”
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