Having come to Australia with nothing, both my parents worked long hours, six days a week to put food on the table. As a result, I was raised largely by my màhmàh – my paternal grandma.
She was a devout Buddhist, who volunteered her retired years in service of the Nan Tien Buddhist temple in Wollongong. With me in tow, she worked in the kitchens, cutting vegetables and making dumplings, while the temple’s nuns doted on me.
Chanting was one of the special activities in which I had no choice but to participate during my days at the temple. I spent long hours droning along to words I couldn’t read and certainly didn’t understand.
One of those things I repeated endlessly was called the heart sutra and it was all about emptiness.
It reads “form is emptiness, emptiness is form” and then recounts a long list of things that don’t exist, from eyes, nose, tongue and mind to suffering and the cessation of suffering.
If that sentence confused you, don’t worry, at 12 years old, it definitely confused me too.
At a base level, it’s saying all these things in this world – our experiences, our perception of self, our suffering and joy – are constructed by the senses that perceive it and the mind that creates it.
It reminds us that just because we see it or feel it, it doesn’t mean it is a part of us or even true.
From simple optical illusions to complex conspiracy theories, these things show us how our perceptions are often limited constructions.
But for me, it wasn’t until I was in my late teens that these teachings solidified in my mind. I had spent my high school years struggling with my sexuality, but bit by bit I remembered I had this tool in my back pocket from my childhood.
This thought process has allowed me to separate myself from the negative emotions that I feel. And now when I find myself in arguments or anxious situations, I can sometimes step outside of my own ego, examine my interpretations and stay calm.
When I came out to my dad after more than 20 years of hiding, I did feel sad and disappointed but I was able to also understand that these feelings weren’t something that had to define or control me. It allowed me to recognise and address my suffering without losing my mind.
“Emptiness” does not mean that everything is a construct therefore nothing exists or matters. It means that everything is free of being constructed in one particular way.
Thus because I am “empty”, I am also ready to change and improve.
Of course, that’s a lot easier said than done. We can’t make all the crazy in the world go away, but this is how I have learned to deal with it.
